3 Years later- Happy or Sad?

   I can't believe it has actually been nearly 4 years already since i left Australia the first time. I am back here now on working holiday visa. My family and friends have always known that my dream was to come back as soon as i finish year 12 and thats exactly what i did. I followed my dream.
   My exchange year was literally amazing and i thought that this time it's gonna be exactly as good as my first year was. Well not to sound disappointed but i think deep down i knew it's gonna be everything else but what my exchange year was.

I've been here for 3 months and I am not gonna lie- My life has been a f*cking rollercoaster. I think I have moved places at least 4 times and I have travelled with trains more than in my whole life in Estonia.

But why a caption like this? - Well to be honest, I'm going through difficult times right now. I have thought about writing this post for few days now and since I've spoken to some people about my inner feelings and emotions, I thought why not write a short blogpost about it. Cause lets be honest- I havent written anything FOR AGES. And I know that everybody thinks that I am that tough girl who gets through hell , and i do, but right now, I feel it is a bit more difficult that it has ever been before. I'll get through it eventually tho, i always do.

So...  here goes nothing..
 I was working in a dairy farm for 5 days (starting from the 18th of July) but I only stayed there for 5 days because this place really wasnt for me. The first day I arrived, i called my best friends and cried my eyes out. Since day1 i didnt like the place. I lasted for 5 days and i felt that it had emotionally destroyed me. I met one of my best mates there and she actually kept me going for those 5 days. We also left together. After leaving, i felt i needed something, so i decided to fly to Queensland the next day. I was there for a week and I think i  felt the happiest in that moment there.

I flew back a week later and went to another farm- sheep farm. Everything was working out very well: I was getting my days signed off, i had a roof over my head, getting paid, still spending time with people I love deeply. I mean my life was good. UNTIL the day the farmer told me that It has been way too dry and he doesn't have any income on crop so he eventually cant afford to pay me anymore. I still have 30 days left.. after speaking to one of my bestest friends who i know, would never turn his back on me, told me that maybe Im rushing things too much. I mean i just wanted to get my days done and It didnt work out the way i wanted it to be, that frustrated me even more. But I listened to him and next day I was on my way to Melbourne.

I found an apartment and started looking for a job. Everything seemed to go well, The dearest people had my back and listened to me when i needed them. I was surrounded with love. I mean I still am and I am so damn grateful for these people who havent turned their back on me when i need them the most which is literally right now. So now to the caption- Im having difficult times right now and I wanted to share it with people, because I know how strong person I am and even I'm falling apart for the first time in my life. I have found some reallly good workplaces but I haven't had a chance to start yet. I also have quit a place, because it was emotionally too much for me. And now i feel like nothing works out. I was sitting behind my computer yesterday at 11am crying because i felt that i can't deal with my mess. I felt like going back home.
 I am sturggling to pay the rent, i also had to visit the dentist cause the chip came out of my tooth and it cost me 360 dollars which is A LOT. I think all the "bad" feels and situations just have happened at the same time which makes me feel like there is a lot wrong when there's actually a way out.

When i told about my situation to dearest people.. they told me that I am literally stupid. I have worked so hard to get here and give up. They told me that it would be the biggest mistake of my life and it is always hard to begin your life. Especially alone, on the other side of the world.
Like I said- It is a passing feeling, but at the moment I have had a lot of time to think. And i tend to overthink when it comes down to things like this haha. I bet half of my friends know that.


At the end of the day, I am still happy that I am here and its not like Im gonna give up. I felt like writing about it would help me understand what i feel. So the question Happy or sad? Just this morning I would've answered sad, because things are not running well. After writing that and feeling those feelings more deeply, I'm gonna say that actually I am the happiest. I appreciate the people who are by my side and ask me how am i doing. I mean thats life :) You gotta deal with shit and there's always gonna be sun after rain. You just gotta keep doing what you are doing and be positive, and everything falls into place, eventually. Thanks to everyone who have been messaging me, you're all a blessing;)

And I keep pushing and doing my thing, because as I like to say: " I'm Kristin, I'll get through everything" and you, dear friends, know that very well huh ? haha
I also wrote all that because If i ever feel down again, I'll read that and think that I got throught it.   One door closes, another opens.

Thanks for paying attention, I already feel much better hahaha