I can't believe it has actually been nearly 4 years already since i left Australia the first time. I am back here now on working holiday visa. My family and friends have always known that my dream was to come back as soon as i finish year 12 and thats exactly what i did. I followed my dream.
My exchange year was literally amazing and i thought that this time it's gonna be exactly as good as my first year was. Well not to sound disappointed but i think deep down i knew it's gonna be everything else but what my exchange year was.
I've been here for 3 months and I am not gonna lie- My life has been a f*cking rollercoaster. I think I have moved places at least 4 times and I have travelled with trains more than in my whole life in Estonia.
But why a caption like this? - Well to be honest, I'm going through difficult times right now. I have thought about writing this post for few days now and since I've spoken to some people about my inner feelings and emotions, I thought why not write a short blogpost about it. Cause lets be honest- I havent written anything FOR AGES. And I know that everybody thinks that I am that tough girl who gets through hell , and i do, but right now, I feel it is a bit more difficult that it has ever been before. I'll get through it eventually tho, i always do.
So... here goes nothing..
I was working in a dairy farm for 5 days (starting from the 18th of July) but I only stayed there for 5 days because this place really wasnt for me. The first day I arrived, i called my best friends and cried my eyes out. Since day1 i didnt like the place. I lasted for 5 days and i felt that it had emotionally destroyed me. I met one of my best mates there and she actually kept me going for those 5 days. We also left together. After leaving, i felt i needed something, so i decided to fly to Queensland the next day. I was there for a week and I think i felt the happiest in that moment there.
I flew back a week later and went to another farm- sheep farm. Everything was working out very well: I was getting my days signed off, i had a roof over my head, getting paid, still spending time with people I love deeply. I mean my life was good. UNTIL the day the farmer told me that It has been way too dry and he doesn't have any income on crop so he eventually cant afford to pay me anymore. I still have 30 days left.. after speaking to one of my bestest friends who i know, would never turn his back on me, told me that maybe Im rushing things too much. I mean i just wanted to get my days done and It didnt work out the way i wanted it to be, that frustrated me even more. But I listened to him and next day I was on my way to Melbourne.
I found an apartment and started looking for a job. Everything seemed to go well, The dearest people had my back and listened to me when i needed them. I was surrounded with love. I mean I still am and I am so damn grateful for these people who havent turned their back on me when i need them the most which is literally right now. So now to the caption- Im having difficult times right now and I wanted to share it with people, because I know how strong person I am and even I'm falling apart for the first time in my life. I have found some reallly good workplaces but I haven't had a chance to start yet. I also have quit a place, because it was emotionally too much for me. And now i feel like nothing works out. I was sitting behind my computer yesterday at 11am crying because i felt that i can't deal with my mess. I felt like going back home.
I am sturggling to pay the rent, i also had to visit the dentist cause the chip came out of my tooth and it cost me 360 dollars which is A LOT. I think all the "bad" feels and situations just have happened at the same time which makes me feel like there is a lot wrong when there's actually a way out.
When i told about my situation to dearest people.. they told me that I am literally stupid. I have worked so hard to get here and give up. They told me that it would be the biggest mistake of my life and it is always hard to begin your life. Especially alone, on the other side of the world.
Like I said- It is a passing feeling, but at the moment I have had a lot of time to think. And i tend to overthink when it comes down to things like this haha. I bet half of my friends know that.
At the end of the day, I am still happy that I am here and its not like Im gonna give up. I felt like writing about it would help me understand what i feel. So the question Happy or sad? Just this morning I would've answered sad, because things are not running well. After writing that and feeling those feelings more deeply, I'm gonna say that actually I am the happiest. I appreciate the people who are by my side and ask me how am i doing. I mean thats life :) You gotta deal with shit and there's always gonna be sun after rain. You just gotta keep doing what you are doing and be positive, and everything falls into place, eventually. Thanks to everyone who have been messaging me, you're all a blessing;)
And I keep pushing and doing my thing, because as I like to say: " I'm Kristin, I'll get through everything" and you, dear friends, know that very well huh ? haha
I also wrote all that because If i ever feel down again, I'll read that and think that I got throught it. One door closes, another opens.
Thanks for paying attention, I already feel much better hahaha
So first of all im gonna write this post in English because i know how much my Australian friends would love to read this- So guys- im doing this for you.
Second of all, i am so so sorry that i have been so lazy. Last time when i wrote was at the end of January when my summer holiday ended.
* It has been a month and 11 days since i arrived to Estonia. Being back here without everyone has been pretty much like a hell. I mean, if you have had someone by your side for 10months basically everyday and one day they are not there, then lets be honest, it sucks. A lot.
Last months in Australia were amazing, i got closer to everyone. Even to people i thought im never gonna talk to. I found family and friends for life! So what did i do after my last post?
-Tbh its pretty hard to think because so much has happened. At the beginning of April i went to Sydney with Joel and his dad. We were there for 4 days and it was the best trip what i had in Australia. Even tho it wasnt long, the person who was there with me made it unforgettable. We went to see Sydney opera house and the bridge and also to Bondi Beach. We did quite a bit shopping and just had a lot of fun. Thanks for that!
- One weekend( it was 2weeks before i had to leave ) i went to Yarrawonga with my family. So it was like a holiday resort where we stayed and i stayed there only for the weekend because i wanted to go back to school. It was a lot of fun actually. We went to different places and it was soooo warm there! We also had a pool in the hotel so we also went to the pool with Bianca. On sunday i catched two buses back to Melbourne(Werribee). It took me about 4 hours to actually get home.
- School week went pretty quickly because everyone was excited because of coming saturday but me! I had my leaving party. So maybe you are wondering why i wasnt excited?- I actually dont know, it just felt like im gonna be gone forever and i was scared of this thought. But anyways on Saturday morning i started cleaning and all this stuff and finally around 7pm people started coming! Anyway, At first there was me and around 15 boys ha ha. It felt like i have no girlfriends. Finally girls started coming as well and we had an amazing party! There was about 35-40 people and THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO CAME AND MADE THIS NIGHT AMAZING! I loved everything about it! And thanks for the amazing presents guys! love you all!
- And then... On monday started my last week at school. I still remember that Monday when i was walking to school and thinking that theres never gonna be Monday again when i have to go to school in Australia. On tuesday we went to the city with boys ( joel, damien, james, andreas, jayden and josh). We had sushi and walked around in the city. They also wrote my name to some water thing with leaves, it was actually awesome. On wednesday we had our tutor time and then all of sudden everyone got told that we have to change the rooms because we're gonna have a survey. So we went to other room and as soon as i walked in, i saw chips and drinks n stuff, SO I ACTUALLLY HAD LIKE A LEAVING PARTY AT SCHOOL!!! I got some gifts again ( from school i got two drinking cups and pens, A bucket list book and an amazing ring with my birth stone!( Thanks mr LYNCH) :D:D:D Chris took his camera to school as well so we took heaps of photos and he also gave me the cutest koala! On thursday we also took a lot of photos and then on friday... I walked to the gates and the only thought what was in my head was " So this is the last time." I took a deep breathe and tried to hold myself together. It was hard. At lunchtime Leigha, Jordyn and Emily called out my name and said they have something for me- They gave me a book. A book full of everything. There were pictures with all my friends and basically the whole year11 signed the book, even the teachers! It made me cry so hard and it also melt my heart. It literally melt my heart. I cried for the whole last session. I read old messages and i was also messaging to Joel at the same time what made me cry even more. And then.. when school finished and everyone hugged me and i started walking home with a thought it was the last time at school, i could just literally feel how piece after piece im dying. I got home and we went out to Crown with Bianca, Haylee and Morgan. It was incredible night- we went to the movies and i also had my last chicken parma ( still missing it). On our way home, we met magician on the train. it was cool as!!!!!!! Next day Joel came to my place and in the evening we went to maccas with Josh and then back to my place and watched movies with Haylee.
(ESTONIA IS WRITTEN THERE)
* It was Sunday morning. I woke up and took a shower. I went to other room to wake up Joel, The thought in my head that it is the last time when i can wake him up with a kiss was... killing? No, it was more than that. There is no words to describe this but it was worse than what i felt on Friday walking home. We got my stuff and packed last things and then guess what? We were off to the airport. My hostmum was reversing and the house what had been my home for 10months was just gone. I didnt know when is the next time when im gonna see it, and i still dont know. When we arrived to the airport, some people were there already! I checked in and went to maccas for breakfast with all my friends ha ha. Good as last breakfast in Australia! Then we went to gate and took a lot of photos again! And then.. was the time for me to leave. I started walking to the gate and you know the feeling when everything you have had for 10months, all the feelings, friends, family, food, school, teachers, i mean EVERYTHING, in one day everything is 15 000km away?
I hugged everyone for the last time and there he was.. standing, breathing, looking at me. Do you know the feeling when someone who has taught you so much, who has given you everything, who has made you feel so special in this big world, is just.. basically gone from your life until you go back. I mean, yes we have internet, but its still not the same, now, is it? Its not. Its not that easy as people think. Yes he is there for me, also all my friends, but you know, its still, you cant see him, you cant hug him, kiss him, touch him, feel the way he has made you feel for the past 7months. He is just not there anymore everyday. So, i kissed him with this thought for the last time, and there it was.. the gate in front of me. As soon as i walked in i was in tears. My first flight was to Singapore for 7 hours and then the next stop after Singapore was Finland- the flight was 12 hours. From Finland i had 30minutes flight to Estonia. And then it got to me what was happening. I was holding my koala what Chris gave me and i couldnt hold my tears back anymore. I landed and i wasnt excited to see my friends and family- I Just hoped when i walk out of the gate, My australian family, friends and Joel are there. But they werent. Of course it was still good to see everyone- My mum, sister, aunt, the whole family but still.
* I started my post with a sentence that it has been a month and 11 days since i left from Australia. And i still dont know how to deal with it. Sometimes im outside, listening to music and then all of sudden im crying like a baby. I guess its always gonna be there. I mean you cant just wipe off the memories and feelings, they will always be there no matter what. Also i know that all my friends in Australia are gonna be there, even if i return in 3 years, they all are still there and excited and happy to see me. What im trying to say is that being an exchange student is the best decision i have ever made, but its also the most ridiculous decision i have ever made. Who would go to the other side of the world without knowing anyone? Its crazy, but i guess we all are a little bit crazy and crazy is the word what makes things unforgettable. So people- be crazy, live your life like its the last day and make crazy decisions.*
Thank you to everyone who spent those amazing 10months with me! Especially to my lovely family- Bianca, Haylee, Sandra & George. Thank you for the oppurtunity to live there and get to know you and thank you for teaching me how big meaning the word " Family" has. I will always be your little girl and sister, and you will always be my family- Mum, Dad and my sisters! Love you!
Im glad i can call Australia my home and i will be back there one day! Thats for sure.
SEE YOU AGAIN!
